My Word's Worth: an occasional column by Marylaine Block

vol. 5, #36, April 24, 2000

DOWN COMPUTER, DOWN I SAY!twotwo

or
Why I Won't be Using Voice Recognition Software
I know, I know, I told you I probably wouldn't be back this week. I expected to be busy packing my arm in ice, taking as much vacation as I could from the deadly mouse, and using my hands and arms only for moneymaking activities or, if no longer avoidable, housecleaning. But my adventures with voice recognition software, which I thought would solve my problems, are too good not to share. It's a sad state of affairs when the funniest column I ever wrote has achieved this not because of what I wrote, but because of what the computer apparently heard. I present for you, side by side, my column and ITS column:

I SAID...	IT WROTE...
DOWN COMPUTER, DOWN, I SAY!	Down computer down the pace a
[backspace. No, backspace. Capitalize that]	A backspace banks based capped all
That wasn't what I said, of course.	That wasn't what set of course.
What I said was, "Down! computer, down! I say.	What I said wa down computer, two down on a say he.
This is a voice recognition program. It's supposed to save my arms.	This is a. w voice recognition program. It's supposed to save my armor.
You see, all I have to do, in theory, is speak into the microphone, and it will put my words into Microsoft Word.	You see, all I have to do in tree you speak into the microphone, and it will take my words and put them into Microsoft Words.
I might never have to type another word, or at least that's the theory.	On never have to type another word or at least that's the theory.
The only slight problem being my voice recognition program doesn't understand me.	The only a slight problem being the voice recognition program doesn't understand May.
It thinks that I said "the pace" and "fact three words," and it keeps sticking numbers in the middle of my text.	It think I say is the pace and fact three words and i 28 keeps sticking numbers in the middle of my text.
It keeps moving the cursor randomly around my text and sticking a "two" in the middle.	In keeps moving the cursor or random believe around my text and sticking to zoom the middle.
It kind of reminds me of the book by Paul Gallico,	It kind of reminds me of the book the hall of Gallup cove road
called The Silent Miaow	called the silent the l two
in which a grown cat types an instruction book for kittens	in which had grown capped type start an instruction book for kidding
on how to move in and take over a house and make sure that from now on, nothing in that house will ever be done without that kitten's permission.	on how to move and and take over a house and make sure that from now on nothing in the house will ever be done without that kitten permission. w
[Close, but no cigar, computer.]	Closed two but no cigar, computer.
Needless to say, the cat doesn't type very well, and the text comes out looking a little like this.	Needles say the cat doesn't typo very well, and thetwotexas comes out looking a little like this.
From time to time a little box pops up and asks me to make a correction, though I don't know what it wants to correct, or what made it pop up.	From time to time a little box pops up and asks me to make a correction though I don't know what it wants to Iraq and what two made it pop up.
What it then does is randomly hop around the screen and stick something in. It's especially partial to the number two; I don't know why.	What he does is randomly hopper brown the screen and stick something in. It's official to the number two I don't know what.
When you start working with the program you make a personal profile. You tell the computer who you are, and you read a few passages out loud.	When you start working with the program you make a personal profile. You tell the computer who we will our and you read a few passages out loud.
I read a long passage from the Wizard of Oz, trying hard not to be dramatic, and then I read another passage from a man named Kurzweil	I read a long passage from the wizard of Oz trying hard not to be dramatic and then I read another passage from a man named Kurzweil
[Nice computer! Good computer! Excellent!]	ice computer no good computer excellent
about whether, if you time travel, exchanging your molecules through space and time, what comes out at the other end is actually you, and whether in doing this you are effectively committing suicide.	about whether if you time travel exchanging your molecules through space and time what the right of set at the other into is actually you will two and whether in doing this you are effectively committing suicide.
[Wow! Much of that last paragraph made sense except for the occasional "two"s scattered around throughout!]	Wemmel much of that last paragraph made sense except for the occasional to lose scattered around that was for route through outd
[cough. I just made the mistake of coughing. Coughing. Coughing! COUGHING. COUGHING!]	coughi just made the mistake of coffin copying the golfing, coffin copying golfing
It didn't give me a box asking me whether I wanted to make a correction. Correction. CORRECTION. CORRECTION, DAMMIT!	it didn't give me a box asking me whether I wanted to make a collection call wrecked show in cobra shun Quebec shown twothe correction dam met
And now, somehow it has activated Netscape and switched to my son's column. I gather it wants me to read it.	And Snell some how it has activated Nettwoscape a and switched to my son's column. gather it wants me to be read it
If there were world enough and time, perhaps someday this program [undo previous word] might write my columns for me.	A if there were world enough and time a, perhaps some day this twoprogram undo previous word might write my columns for May.
But I suspect there will probably never be enough time for me to figure out how to edit it by [delete that] voice, let alone figure out how to keep it from sticking "TWOs" all over.	That ices pecked there will probably never be enough time for me to figure out how to edit it by police it voice let alone twofigure out how to keep it from sticking to was all over.
And that is why this sounds less intelligent than the work of the average five year old with a ten-second attention span.[Exit. EXIT. That was a COMMAND, dummy! I give up.]	And that is why this sounds less intelligent than the work of the average five year old With the 10's second attention span exit exit that was a two commanding dummyd a gift of