My Word's
Worth:

a weekly column by
Marylaine Block
vol. 1, #17, November, 1995

REMOTELY FUNNY

My son tells me that when I tell him I think something is really effete, he regards this as a sure sign that I'm about to acquire it. And it is true that I used to think that using a remote control for the TV was incredibly effete. But that was before I could reliably be counted on to have three cats on my lap any time I wanted to change channels; given my overwrought respect for the comfort of cats, I sat through a lot of commercials (as a sports watcher, I am an expert on beer advertising). But when I got cable, the remote control came with it, so I learned that effeteness is, in fact, one of the more deplorable facets of my character.

I also began to play channel-changing roulette, collecting those wonderfully funny conjunctions between two or more unrelated ads or programs. So, though I generally aim for a more unified sort of essay, I do want to share some of my favorites with you. HINT: this is MUCH funnier after two glasses of wine.

THE INADVERTENTLY TRUTHFUL:

What does Jesse Jackson really want?[click] M.V.P.
Along the way, so many things could have done him in. [] Maybe this is the way: Soloflex.
My opponent is running on a platform of having [] fuller, healthier hair every day.
Decisions on the life or death of John Wayne Gacy are in the hands of a court [] with indigestion.
His life was changed by four little words [] Unlimited amounts of cash!
President Aristide [] Call for REAL solutions NOW!
Countries that are subjecting themselves to [] VH-1.
It's the end of the world as we know it [] from IBM.
The battle for the 1996 presidential election has begun. Who will win? Clinton? Dole? [] Santa Claus!
There's no way to hide from [] Turner Broadcasting Network.
The difference between human beings and other mammals is [] troops and equipment.
Like any politician, his campaign is completely [] free of any artificial color.
[or natural color, for that matter--ed.]

THE COMPLETE NON-SEQUITUR:

There's a myth about the tax advantages of [] Nutri-Grain cereal.
Football--we call it that because [] our lettuce comes from [] Buffalo.
Why soak when you can get your dentures clean with [] D-Con Mouse-Pruf.
A thousand roaches [] we're right around the corner. You'll be SURPRISED what we can do!
Fabulously expensive gifts for the man who has [] Mexico. [limited market, that. ed.]
Helps your child create stories about Winnie the [] Butthead.
They have attack helicopters and Bradley fighting vehicles so they [] can never have sex again.
Millions of years ago, an adventure began that would eventually lead man to confront his own destiny [] 53% less fat!
Marsha Clark shot back angrily, calling the defense arguments nonsense [] in nonprescription strength.
David Kay, chief of inspection for the International Nuclear [] Piano Quartet.
Some people get nasal congestion [] boys get preferential treatment in school.
He held back a communist invasion [] after retiring the second batter in the 8th inning.
Kellogg's Bran Flakes [] you don't even need to change the oil!
I deserve a little break [] and repeated calls to the state department have done NOTHING!

THE TRULY POLITICALLY INCORRECT PAIRING:

The Native-Americans [] deposit their eggs and sperm in the same place.
Attention! All men with noses! [] Forget about it!
I give my customers the same advice about soil fertilizer each year [] Take a good look at George Bush.
Dogs just love the taste of [] Jose Rijo.
The British continually followed a colonial process that would lead eventually to [] having to explain ourselves.
Some nights, there's just no escape [] in northwest Iowa.
It is the North Koreans who hold in their hands [] a Whopper.

You know those little stocking-stuffer books, or non-books, like 'Scuse Me While I Kiss This Guy (a collection of misunderstood lines from rock songs), or French for Cats (a work of genius--did you ever stop to wonder what the French phrase for, "You seriously expect me to eat THAT?" is?). I have been trying to convince a publisher that channel- changing roulette would make a splendid little non-book, but, alas, to no avail.

If any of you think the publishers are wrong about this, drop me a line, why don't you? And if you have anything to add to my collection, while you're at it, feel free.



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NOTE: My thinking is always a work in progress. You could mentally insert all my columns in between these two sentences: "This is something I've been thinking about," and "Does this make any sense to you?" I welcome your thoughts. Please send your comments about these columns to: marylaine at netexpress.net. Since I've written a lot of these, some of them many years ago, help me out by telling me which column you're referring to.

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